Hi Deb,
Boy have I been through such similiar situations!! I've been out with MIL too many times to count when she would ask if the kids could have "butter" on their bread and when we politely remind her "no" she rolls her eyes and sighs heavily. We homeschool also so she already thinks we are completely nuts. But over the years she's actually backed off and doesn't do it AS MUCH. Although, she still has her moments.
One time after much frustration with her, I typed up a list of exactly what the kids could and could not have. I portrayed it as though I was trying to help her out. I've also given her resources (which I'm sure she's never read) but it at least lets her know that we're not doing this just because but for REAL reasons.
It's really hard to find anything to eat at Chili's. I believe the black bean patty has dairy in it. Just know that you're not alone! It can be very frustrating dealing with family members.
Kelli
Plant based is hard enough without omitting added-oils, and in our case, gluten and soy and corn - too many opportunities for cross contamination. I dare say most of my friends think I'm being unrealistic, and some think "being different" is something much worse than I think it is! 
We live far away from family so we don't have the same issues you have, but any time we go anywhere we always bring our own food.
Where's the soapbox emoticon? 
