My sister always gets this tone of voice when she tells me about a dream. I always go nooooo, don't want to hear it because she gives minute details and it always lasts awhile but then I listen. I won't do that here. Suffice to say I had a dream last night that this client tried to rape me and someone I know was in the building and stopped it. I am rarely afraid around a client and I see them under bridges, in abandoned buildings, etc. Stupid me focused in the dream on not wanting anyone to find out so my activities would not be curtailed and of course because I felt stupid that I had gotten myself in the situation, positioned myself where I could not easily get out the room. You know it's all my fault kind of stuff. I woke up and remembered how strong that guy was and how there was nothing I could do once he had grabbed my arm and I cried. After awhile I realized that I really can't let the getting smaller make me feel more vulnerable. I want to be like Karin, getting stronger and stronger and I want this getting healthy to make me feel stronger. Maybe I will take a self defense class again. You know part of me just thinks, I'm nuts and feels embarassed. But I remember that I am not alone in this, 1 in 4 or maybe the statistic is higher now, females by the age of 18 have been sexually assualted. I had a few incidences growing up and in fact remember those years as full of fear. So yeah, I'm nuts, but I didn't get this way by myself. I just don't want to keep being unhealthy. So instead of killing myself with food that does not protect I will not stuff these feelings. I will work out today and get stronger and i will eat healthy if for no other reason than one day I may need to run.
sitting now on the couch drinking tea
Morning -fruit, maybe some rice and veggies
Afternoon- arugula with marinated portabello-oh yeah, split pea soup and potato
Dinner- salad, brown rice and veggies