For Running's Sake(and mine)

[SARunner]

This is a new concept for me, journaling. I've never kept any kind of journal or diary ever, so writing down my thoughts and progress is going to be a challenge,. But I come into this with Einstein's quote in mind, "Insanity is going the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" and this quote, "If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got" -Henry Ford (some cite Mark Twain, can you tell I'm a university student,? Reference people!) It's time to try something new.
I decided to attempt McDougalling in Oct/Nov last year when I signed up on these forums. I had just started university and it quickly became a mess. I have a bad habit of picking on food when I'm stressed and not realising how much I've eaten. Its something I'd like to be rid of, and since last year I've made great strides in reducing my picking and and mindless snacking. Believe it or not, this habit is relatively new. I used to be very disciplined about my eating habits. I moved to the UK in 2007 and picked up running in late ' 08 in order to lose about 20lbs of "puberty weight", I lost it pretty quickly(being young, 16yo) and became very strict with my eating, to the point where I developed near anorexia type obsessions with weighing my food, eating at certain times of the day, and crying over missing my ' eating deadline' (which meant I had to go without).

Fortunately my faith, born again Christian, meant that I was able to identify the destructive nature of my obsessions and break down a lot of this behaviour soon after a passing out indident,. I decided I'd rather be fast than thin, and with the help of my newly found running friends as well as my family learned to relax around food and focus on fuelling my body. I ate more food after that (Feb 2010). I ate more after that and grew stronger, I started racing regularly and sometimes won my age group. The problem was that my relationship with food after my bout with disordered eating never normalised and I still thought of food as the enemy, or something I had to limit in order to stay thin (I weighed 115-120 depending on running seasons).
I also had a bit of a body dysmorphia issue, I still thought I was heavy and never called myself thin, always 'stocky' or 'chunky'. People would tell me I was slim but I never believed them.
I ran a lot, usually 40-50 miles a week, about 55 mpw during endurance racing season. I loved running so much I couldn't bear to take a break, I thought I would lose all my fitness and hard built foundation of training, i also dreaded weight gain. I'd done well in the local running scene, I ran my first half marathon at 17, in 1rh51 in 2009. By 2011, aged 19, I placed fourth in a half in 1hr29. I won U20 county cross-country title in early 2012 and my success surprised many people who had initially seen me as a mere jogger from the beginning of my running career.
Just a month after my cross country success I was crippled by an ongoing foot injury I had been in denial about for months. I ignored advice to take a break and it came back to bite me. This turned into a two year period of injury, physio, and lots and lots of tears. I don't remember what happened (blocked it out). But my eating habits went haywire, I binged, I ate mindlessly, I definitely didn't eat out of hunger, just emotional trigger after trigger. I now believe it would have benefited me to have seen a therapist, but my parents would never have gone for that. To make matters worse I was finishing off studies and applying to university, so my stress levels were through the roof.
I am now injury free, building back my foundation, but about 40 lbs heavier, and it's killing me. I can run, my fitness is good, but I can't be happy about it because I feel like a hippo. None of my clothes fit, I don't hang around and socialise with my running friends because I'm embarrassed about my weight gain. They all knew me as 'springbok' or 'mazbomb' because I could run like nobody's business. Now I feel like a part a of me has died because I know I'm strong, and lean inside, but I'm too heavy to actually run that way.

Anyway, here I will try to deal with my demons head on, and really change my relationship with food by eating the best food group ever! Plants!
I'll stop writing now, but I'm glad I got that out of my system!!

- SARunner (S.A. stands for South Africa, my home)

I'm typing this on a touchscreen tablet, so apologies for typos.

[SARunner]

Today is 'day 1', though I haven't eaten at all yet. No need. I baked yesterday and felt so full and sick afterward that I didn't want to look at food at all. When I ran to my running club last night I felt very bloated and heavy so I vowed to abstain from food until I feel a little better. I'm glad I didn't let my fullness deter me from running, though I nearly turned back because I felt so ugh! I ended up doing about 8.5 miles, which suited me. I'm proud that I'm running consecutive days now, I've run straight through from Sunday to Thursday. Today is Good Friday, and I've chosen to rest from running and observe Christ's suffering.

I've just finished weeding out our farm courtyard with my brother, we did the whole yard in about an hour, which is pretty good going considering I haven't eaten.
Tonight, if I feel hunger, I'm going to have some of this vegetable soup I made. It's just frozen vegetables made with vegetable stock, blended together. I add a can of beans to it usually, for satiety.
Interestingly, my trousers felt loose and I kept having to pull them up whilst weeding. I have only casually been changing my habits to include more vegetables and stopped eating meat on Monday, so I don't know if those subtle changes have anything do with the loose trousers. I have also run the last three weeks totalling 35 miles , an all time high since being injured. This is higher mileage than I was doing prior to Easter break. I love being on break. I really hate how my education messes with my feeling of wellbeing. University makes me feel like a stretched out piece of elastic , just waiting to snap. I was so much happier when I was still being homeschooled, and I could run whenever I wanted. So much freedom, if I only I knew at the time!

- SArunner

[Katydid]

As a runner, you might also appreciate the No Meat Athlete website, blog, podcast and community.

http://www.nomeatathlete.com

Kate

[SARunner]

Hi Kate,
Thanks for the link. I'll be sure to check it out!
I have read your story on here several times, it is very inspiring!

-SArunner

[SARunner]

Started getting hungry around 5:30pm.
I decided to snack on a bowl of cornflakes with unsweetened almond milk, not exactly 'on plan', but better than me reaching for the peanut butter, which is the usual temptation.
I've just warmed up my veg soup, which I made a batch of yesterday. I use about 550g of frozen veg and added 1 can of mixed beans. It makes about 4 servings of soup, and I just finished the last one. I've decided that a bowl of cornflakes now and then is okay, as long as I don't have it every day, maybe once a week or so. The last few times I've tried to follow McDougall, I've gone in too strictly and end up giving up easily if I make a mistake. Not this time. Being prepared and knowing my 'danger' foods will help a lot I think.

SArunner

B:skipped
L:Skipped
S: Cornflakes +almond milk
D: Veg Soup with Beans


Exercise: Does weeding count!?

[SARunner]

Didn't get to post yesterday, things were a little crazy. Food was a disaster though. The day started out well, with porridge and a banana cooked in water and about 50 ml of almond milk. But as the day got busier lack of preparation caught me off guard and I fell off the wagon with about an ounce of chicken. It got worse when my mother had to rush out, and asked me if I could make a dessert (our traditional easter dessert). I let my willpower fail me and had a couple licks of the bowl. Sigh*. I will not dwell on it. This dessert is whipped cream mixed with caramel (dulce de leche), you grate a peppermint crisp bar in to it and then you layer the mixture between 'Nice' biscuits.
This is a South African dessert and has significant sentimentality to me and my family since we only make it about once a year. I didn't have any today, I knew what it tasted like and I didn't want to undo myself like yesterday. It's difficult to follow McDougall since I still live at home, university accommodation is very costly and I like being at home. My family is very large, I am one of seven kids, the second eldest. My whole family eat an omnivorous diet, they don't eat a very meat heavy diet but once a day there will be meat. Dairy is staple. My parents are not the worst cooks and never fry or use a lot of oil. My mom is not a big believer in food can be a cause for cancer, heart attacks etc. She still mostly thinks genetics are the main factor.
My grandad had a triple bypass a few years ago after suffering a heart attack, I know that my granny fries everything and that a lot of food she cooks was rich. My mom still isn't convinced that it was the sole cause, perhaps just a small contributor. Since neither are of grandparents are significantly overweight, it is harder for them to pick up on the fact that food is the issue. I get a lot of stick in my family for being a 'buzz kill" when it comes to food. I suspect that they would mock me if I said I was 'vegan' out loud. I dread to think!! South Africans come from colonial stock, meat made us strong, tall and tough enough to survive the Southern African conditions for many it's considered part of our national identity. Braaing (barbequeing meat, it's social and communal.
Anyway, what a tangent!

Today was better, I had:
B: Oatmeal with banana
L: Vegetable Soup with a very large potato.

Today was Easter which meant there was chocolate EVERYWHERE. I had two small candied chocolate eggs (about the size of almonds) that my little 8yo brother offered to me. My mother bought me a large chocolate egg, but I'll just break it up and give to my little siblings in a few weeks. I'm not tempted by that quantity of chocolate at all.
Tomorrow I will have porridge for breakfast again, with soup and a potato for lunch and perhaps the same for dinner. My biggest issue at the moment is my wretched sweet tooth, I used to quell it by adding copious amounts of peanut butter and honey to my oatmeal, but that was when I was running a lot and didn't carry this extra weight. I miss that light feeling so much.

Just finished my long run, 10.5 miles. It went well and I felt very good. I'll really look forward to feeling good about everything in the future. I just need to master my hunger signals and learn to say no to my sweet tooth.

SArunner

[SARunner]

I had such a lazy bank holiday today. I ended up lying in til about 12pm, oops!
Because of this I went straight ahead with lunch and made a tomato and vegetable soups which blended and added cannellini beans. I had a serving of that for lunch which sassy pretty good tasting, though a little bland since I'm avoiding salt at the moment.
Later today my sister and nephew came over for a belated Easter egg hunt and she brought with her a dozen overripe bananas. Everyone wanted me to make banana bread for afternoon tea, so I obliged. Because the recipe uses butter, I couldn't have any, but I did use some of the mashed banana to make myself a small portion of banana oatmeal.
I went for a nice run this evening, 5 miles along the river path near my house. I live in a pretty grey, former industrial city which is not the most scenic of places. There are however little pockets of really nice running routes, I am lucky to live nearby some great footpaths. I felt quite good considering yesterday's long run, but did feel tired as I neared home.
When I got home I found out my mom went to pick up KFC, which is surprising since it's probably a biannual occurrence. It made my evening go quite smoothly though, since I dont usually eat take out food and haven't done for years. I had a leftover baked potato from yesterday, a very small sweet potato and a serving of my soup. I ate the potato with some wholegrain mustard, which is strong so I only ever have about 2 teaspoons or so. It was really yummy and I feel very satisfied with how today has gone.

B: none
L: Bean/tomato/mixed vegetable soup
S: oats+ mashed banana
D: Soup, baked jacket potato, very small sweet potato

[SARunner]

Wow, so it's been ages since I last wrote. I've just finished exam season at university and it's been a stress-filled nightmare
The good news is it's over, the bad news is I've fallen off and back on and back off the wagon. I've managed to maintain some good habits, more vegetables and trying not to let my stress effect my eating. It hasn't, where I've gone wrong has basically been down to poor self-control and losing sight of my goal.
I was rekindled recently, though, by something which made me face up to all my excuses. My dad left on a trip to NYC (from the UK) for business a week ago, and though it was on the same day as an exam of mine, I realised that I would not have gone anyway despite the fact that have sufficient funds. The reason is that I refuse to do anything fun while I'm overweight, I hide from cameras, I don't go out with my family on fun outings, I hide in the house because I'm embarrassed of myself. I don't tell people I meet that I used to be a serious competitive runner, because I believe they will think I'm lying.
This was all too much, I have dreamed of going to the US ever since I was little. I finally have the financial means and a father who wants me to tag along with him, meeting important people and seeing all the places of significance to me, and I will not allow myself to go because of my weight. It's time for change, it's time to get my life back. I'm 21 years old and I want to feel like it!
I no longer have any excuses, it seems a simple choice: get control of my diet; or let my weight prevent me from pursuing my dreams.

Today:
B:Mixed vegetable and bean soup
Late lunch(5pm) 2 med/small sweet potatoes and broccoli
No dinner


SARunner

[nayasmom]

Welcome back! I enjoy reading your thoughts about your running.
I mirror your thoughts about size and what you used to do and thinking people will say in their heads that you have to be lying about competitive running and so on, because I have those thoughts as well. I'm not competitive at all, and am actually very slow at running, but it's something I love to do now, and I was never slim. In fact, I gained about 20 lbs in 2 years training for marathons, already overweight to begin with.
So here's the thing: overweight people run, too.
But I do understand your mindset. Now that I'm looking more and more like the runner I say I am, I feel like others are taking me more seriously when I say I'm training for a marathon. I feel more bona fide, and it's silly, but it's the reality.

One thing I can say with conviction, too, is that if you get used to eating starches every day, some of the acute stress feelings will maybe not go away completely but they will feel more manageable and less in control of your destiny. I find that I'm much more grounded now than when I was eating higher fat and being so obsessed with getting "enough" protein.
Anyway, thank you for posting some introspective points of view.
Robyn

[SARunner]

Hello Robyn!
I didn't think anyone read my journal, so it's nice to hear someone else's thoughts. This will certainly help keep me motivated to write more. I'm glad you enjoy the more introspective perspective, as that is how I tend to write. I'm very... how do I put this, *aware* of myself. I am 'on' most of the time, I can't switch off my thoughts and as a result I have a tendency to think that other people are the same, that they are thinking about me the same way I think about me, and that they are thinking that all the time.
I love meeting fellow runners! I started running thinking I was fat(I was 16). I was only about 140lbs, and I lost about 25 lbs over about a year with increasing my running and lowering my food (at one point, I was verging on an eating disorder). I wasn't that fast when I started, 9 or 10 minutes a mile, but as I got lighter and my training became more structured (I ran quite high mileage for my age) I just naturally got quicker. I never had a 'runners body', but I think I could never see how fit I really was.
Now I'm the heaviest I've ever been, but I think I'm emotionally stronger, in that I can cope with my low self esteem better and try not to have a 'punishment' mindset. I also believe that this has allowed me time become complacent about my weight, giving in too easily when I'm facing something tempting. I'm getting much better at recognising my weaknesses and situations I MUST avoid, at least til I am better equipped to tell myself 'no'.

Today began well, for breakfast I had a green soup (spinach, peas, carrots, green beans) with some white beans as my starch. I read about Chef AJ suggesting greens for breakfast to curb cravings, so I've begun implementing this practice as so far it does seem to work. I struggle to eat some greens in their whole form (green beans for example) so I make blended soups mostly.

For lunch I made crumpets, similar to American pancakes, which my siblings enjoy putting peanut butter or cheese, or jam on top of. I didn't have as it's got eggs, butter, milk etc. I had broccoli and a small sweet potato.
I planned 7 mile run for this evening , but the heavens opened at about 4pm and it rained heavy, fat rain for hours. Usually we get pretty light rainfall in the UK, intermittent showers. I had to leave it in the end as the rain just did not let up and I would have been soaked to the skin in about 30 seconds.
I have not been hungry this evening, I picked on a pasta dish my sister made(more or less McDougall friendly) but it wasn't wholegrain pasta and I wasn't hungry enough to eat a bowlful.

I had a tiny portion of beans about 5 minutes ago, I have run out of frozen vegetables so I need to get to the shop to stock up before I am left without mwl foods.
Have to keep visualising how I want to look and feel at my ideal weight, the moment I let that picture slip from my mind, I mess up.
Tomorrow will be better, I'm going to run in the morning and evening. I imagine the morning air will be clean and fresh after the rainfall and just awesome to experience in the quiet of the morning.

SARunner
(Any typos or weird words are likely the outcome of autocorrect and the fact that I'm typing on a touch screen tablet)

[CHEF AJ]

glad it's working for you. I've been doing veggies for breakfast for nearly 3 years now, that's how I lost almost 50 pounds. And it doesn't have to be greens, any nonstarchy veggie will do. I did a free telelseminar about this last night. If you want to listen to the playback sign up for my mailing list at www.EatUnprocessed.com and they will email you the code on Sunday.

[SARunner]

Thank you so much Chef AJ! I must say thank you for your YouTube videos and other resources I've been able access on the web, they've been a huge help. I am currently around your old weight, and your current weight is around my goal, so your story has been very inspirational and helps me stay on track. I can relate to the fact that you spend a lot of preparing food (esp when it's not healthy or compliant). In my case I cook a lot at home, and my entire family eats a modern western diet of meat/starch/veg/fat type meals. They don't actually know I'm following McDougall, they think anyone who cuts out meat or whole "food" groups is just making their life harder and that there really is no need. No one is seriously overweight, all my siblings are trim and rarely ill, so they aren't worried about conditions or diseases and they certainly don't think our diets could be the cause.
Today has been better than yesterday, I started my day with soup and beans, this seems to suit me well. For lunch I had a Mexican tomato stew with beans and spinach, I mostly made it up. I've been trying to avoid salt completely, but I did end up adding some to the stew because it really needed it.
I prefer having potatoes with a veg for lunch, I loss the simplicity and not really needling condiments. I also ate a lot of beans today, which is fine because I love beans, but nit the best food for running, the protein can be problematic for me.
One thing I've noticed is how easy dishes are to wash, no oil or fear of salmonella!
Exercise will be a 8+ mile run tonight with my running club, I'm so looking forward to getting out. Exercise does wonders for my mood, and that TOM is drawing near so I need it all the more.

-SARunner

[SARunner]

So I'm back (on the forum). I've managed to stay mostly mcdougall since the beginning of Summer, though I haven't been as diligent with posting on here. I must admit I've come a long way! Binges are a thing of the past (praise God) as are my insane sugar cravings, although I will admit that I have a daily 4pm struggle to fight the munchies! I've lost a little weight, though I've not weighed, my only focus is on growing more and more compliant every day, and gradually phase out every non-plan food item that creeps in. Soon I hope this approach will mean that I reach a day where there are no non-plan foods.
I've realised that staying stocked up in potatoes, vegetables and oats is imperative. If I run out it only leaves me exposed to eating something off-plan. Amazingly, my family had smoked chicken the other night and I didn't even feel tempted, even though it used to be one of my favourite things (won't say 'foods'). I do find myself missing certain things, obviously, but I'd rather enjoy the calm that comes with eating on-plan.
My running has also improved, I'm now running about 40 mpw, including a long run of about 12 miles. The hardest thing right now is patience, as one can get a bit demoralised when there are no drastic changes. I just tell myself that in a year's time I will be looking in the mirror and everything will have drastically changed from where I am now!
So today:
B: Oats and a banana with 1/2 tsp sugar
L: about 200g Baby New potatoes with green beans, broccoli and peas with sime bbq sauce

[SARunner]

5 mile slow run this evening.
Dinner was a corn on the cob, and I wasn't very hungry so I brushed my teeth and made that the end of it.

[SARunner]

Ugh, today was not great. My mom was super busy making calls so I got roped into helping my sister bake cookies for an entrepreneurial day tomorrow. Very bad. I didn't have any of the baked cookies, but had to handle m&ms, chocolate and cookie dough. Let's just say my will power and resolve is still very fragile and in future I will be avoiding situations like that. I got asked to make dinner too, which was macaroni cheese. Again, I didn't have any, but I did eat some of the cooked pasta even though I know I'm better off avoiding wheat products. Oh well, tomorrow's a new day. I'll just make a mental note of how I feel to remember exactly why we don't go off plan.

B: Oatmeal and banana
No lunch
D: Plain cooked fusilli
Some m&ms and cookie dough.
No run, since my last rest day was last Thursday.